Music has always been such a great method for me to just be myself. Interestingly enough though, whenever I play my saxophone, I love to play with my eyes closed. There's nothing better than playing in front of a crowd, yet there's nothing scarier.... At its peak for me, I feel as if I'm floating on air; I'm sent away to another place that no one can hurt me and that I'm just completely free. What's scary though is that I lay myself out there for everyone to see for those "x" amount of minutes: raw and exposed.
There are times that I play, that I feel as if I've got to be one of the worst musicians ever. I battle with the idea that any moment, someone will walk away saying that they've heard better, or even worse, that someone gets up, grabs their sax and plays next to me. But then, there are those moments that I feel as if I'm flying through the sky, free as a bird and just smiling over the world. My struggles come out when I play: my pain, my hurt, my emotions, insecurities. They all come out in a bundle of notes and melodies, masqueraded about by a simple searcher of life.
When I look back at it all, I'm thankful that I can play by ear. I don't know why I was given this gift, but it helps me escape from my surroundings. I guess that's probably why I choke when I sing karaoke. I'm singing songs that I don't feel from my heart and have to keep my eyes open to read the words while noticing dozens of eyes looking at me from all over. When I play though, I let my inner self come and fly about the world. For those few minutes, I have an existential moment of smiles and tears; I take a piece of my heart and hand it to every onlooker so they can see me at my most vulnerable.
Music is that powerful to me; even if I'm not the best musician out there, when a child comes up to me and tells me that they started to play an instrument because they heard me play... That's enough for me.
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