Well it has begun... the three day countdown has commenced. Even though my expedition to Costa Rica in and of itself is an adventure, the preparation of it has been an eye opening journey as well. Like I said in the beginning a few months back, I decided to live through this adventure on my birthday; it seemed to be a fitting way to reset and just become in tune with life around me.
A new year and a new journey; yet this trip I feel is only part of a change I've been going through. This past year has been a bit tumultuous at best, yet for every challenge that has come my way I've walked away stronger. I've spent most of this past year dealing with injury, the constant wheel go round of fair weather friends, and a stint of existential struggle; for it all though it's all proven to show me that I can surmount any obstacle put in my path. If there's been one lesson I could say I've learned, it's the pathway to perseverance. My shoulder I still deal with and have to respect when it tells me to slow down, but because of it, I've come across a group of friends that not only want to see me succeed, they'll push me to boundaries I never I thought I could get to. For the friends I've lost or had to step away from, I've been fortunate enough to find others who have shown me that I'm worth something and that I don't need to be so weary of those who I cross in life. As for my existential crisis... Costa Rica has provided me that direction.
Not to sound like a broken record from my past blogs, but I do believe in signs, and this trip to Costa Rica is just one more in the infinite space of life to come my way. Had I not researched this journey and found the organization that I've become affiliated with, I would never in my wildest dreams found the possible pathway to what may be the happiness I've sought so much for in my life's direction.
This trip will strip me to my bones in more ways than one; the amazing part is, I can't wait! All my journeys have taught me something about myself, yet for all their differences of setting, travel, etc... they all have one thing in common: unpredictability. For each trip I've had a starting point and a destination, but between those two spots, unpredictability always has laid claim; the difference between my journey to Costa Rica and all my other trips, is that I'll be completely disconnected from the modern world. It'll be as if I'm in a modern day, small village setting of Castaway; instead of a painted volleyball though, I'll be surrounded by a very small group of people with no real access to what many see as everyday life. If I was a fatalist, I could say that this isolation mixed with the unpredictability of this trip might not be the best idea out there; however, I tend to be more of an optimist and think that by being so separated from modern day distractions, I'll be able to tune more into myself and into the world around me.
One of my biggest flaws I can say without a doubt is that I put too much pressure on myself. I struggle with the fact that I disappoint others or don't reach their expectations. It's hard to admit our flaws at times, but this is one that I still do struggle with. My shoulder swells up, I have to stop going to practice until it heals; I struggle with the idea of being a disappointment to my class. I've had the same job for the last ten years because I haven't found the inner courage to truly seek what makes me happy; I struggle with the idea that my friends and family have achieved so much in life. I've been called a dreamer with no real direction; I struggle with the idea that I'm in my 30's and don't know what I want to do with the years ahead of me. These are are all doubts and burdens I set upon myself and that I face everyday...
Yet something is changing....
I'm learning to face these pressures head on and see the positivity in it all. I may have had my struggles this past year, yet things seem to be looking up. I'm looking forward to this trip because with its mystery and simplicity, I feel that I was meant to be exactly where I am right now. That this trip was supposed to happen. That I was supposed to struggle with many inner demons. That the fog of confusion in self doubt was meant to pass by to help me see things a bit clearer.
Through it all, this past year has been tough, but I've also seen what I can overcome and the beautiful people and souls that have come into my life or have been there the whole time and I was just too blind to see them; for it all and for them, I'm so grateful.
I start this year with a trip that is meant to test me, yet one that I'm doing what I can to give back to this world that's blessed me with its tidings; the point of the journey is to help a group bring positive light to the life we live, yet maybe it's this same organization and the path I've taken to get to them, that has helped me to see the illumination within myself.
