Isn't funny how sometimes growing up we hated to do certain things? I hated eating veggies!! I would try to nobly stand up against the vegetable tyranny my family used to impose on me as a child with various tactics: the waiting game, public displays of vomiting, you name it and I did it. I always hated waking up hearing my mom making a commotion in the kitchen getting breakfast ready for the whole tribe. Our mornings at my house were inevitably interrupted with plates being moved, the shuffle of my mom in her slippers and the infamous espresso machine among others. You would think my mom was a sadist waking us up all so early with this carnival of noises; I know I did, but oh how times change.
Fast forward a few too many years and I do the same thing now. Right now, I already started my typical thursday tradition: wake up, light some incense, play some music and hear the coffee percolator grind away at the soon to be caffeine on tap. Before I always hated being awoken by all of that noise, but now it's I who does it all, and you know what? I don't see that changing anytime soon. Apparently, the domestic musical soundtrack has been passed down to me; from one generation to another, some traditions are just best kept alive, even if done so with a more calmer and meditative twist.
Last night I went to bed dreaming about a distant dream... I envisioned myself in an old historic home, or perhaps a bungalow of sorts, with so many windows in it that no matter what hour of the day it was, it was always full of some kind of natural light. A small town where I could walk around and be at peace with a simple life, just being happy knowing that life was great. Don't get me wrong, I like my life; I just hope to one day have that simple life I crave. I struggle with what I want though at times when it comes to living somewhere; sometimes I feel like I can live without the hustle and bustle of the city, but at other times, there's nothing better than a peaceful night with the crickets singing and the stars covering you like a baby in a blanket.
I've had Oregon on my mind lately. Granted I've never been there, but the idea of visiting that state excites me so much. All my friends and even people who barely know me have told me how much I would just jive with the energy of a state like that. If I had to stay in the states, I could most likely see myself living in either the New England region, or perhaps Portland or Seattle; and if those spots don't work, there's always Canada. I've just been told that both those areas have such a simpler way of living and just have a different set of values when it comes to life.
Nowadays we're always all in a rush to be somewhere. The alarm goes off and BAM! jump in the shower, grab a quick breakfast if any, and run out the door for dear life to get to work. We never wake up, take a deep breath and just let ourselves soak into life; instead it's always a crash course into reality. Why do we do that to ourselves?!?!?! I'll be the first to admit, sometimes I look at Panda and Lily as some of the worlds biggest hindrances. Lily will wake me up in the middle of the night demanding attention and just her dead weight alone is enough to wake me up when I want to roll over and I have her furry butt to kick out of the way. And Panda, always laid back, but I'll be damned if he's not loud about his intentions. Yet at the end of the day, my life wouldn't be the same without them. They're family to me and hopefully, I to them; we have our days where we want nothing to do with each other, and then there are days I'll spend petting them both and talking to them about my life. On my typical day, I wake up two hours before work and just naturally let myself wake up. At first I hated it!!! Who would want to wake up so early just to have to go to work?? But with those two hours, I walk Panda and see the city at a time when so few see it, have a small breakfast and at times, watch the sunrise with some music in the background. This summer I haven't been able to do much of that due to circumstances, and I guess that's why today I'm cherishing it. It's totally true that saying, "you'll miss things when they're gone."
I haven't had a morning like this in a good minute. But this morning I woke up, the sun rise filling my place and Lily up and at em, purring away to greet me. Panda, curled up in his usual morning place, next to my front door greeted me with his tail. Shortly after, the room was filled with music, incense and the smell of coffee being made. It's those same noises that haunted me as a kid awakening me at the wee hours of the morning that I cherish now. Wow, can the irony be any louder?
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Jumps Along the Moon
Ok I'll admit it... it's been a while since I've been on here.; so much for trying to keep up with things right? Well like I was told by someone many moons ago, "there are many reasons, but no excuse."
Writing is my key to sanity and as of late, I've felt the door to that realm pounding and busting at the hinges. Right now I'm doing something I haven't done in so long; just laying on the couch with the fur balls by my side, watching the sunset and listening to some beautiful acoustic music. I miss these moments so much sometimes... To just sit here and just trying to find peace in my world that has recently become so chaotic. Some of it has been my own doing and the other has been the way life has just led me.
The last month or so I've been thinking about what to do with my life. Deep down I'm just a bohemian at heart, but have yet been able to find that city that I can truly anchor myself down to. Although my feelings for Atlanta have gone from hatred to more of a loving relationship, I feel like I need to seek an affair with another lady that can offer me more. A lady that is progressive, more established, yet simpler in her manner of being. A lady that I feel calls my name every morning and seems to wait for me everyday; the one I can come back to and call home. That damsel is out there, and until I find her, I'll continue to travel in search of this elusive love.
In an attempt to get some direction I decided that being a big boy now, I've gotta give myself some kind of path instead of wandering aimlessly. Even though I believe in that saying "all who wander are not lost", I still feel like I have to give myself some kind of options so I can pick a path. First choice would be to pursue law. Ever since I can remember my family has always said to me that I should become a lawyer. I've always struggled with that decision because I've never liked suits and formalities imposed upon me; I'll gladly wear a suit or a nice outfit when I want to, but I never liked it to be obligatory. Immature I know, but now I've taken it into serious consideration. Hopefully I'll be studying for the LSAT starting in a month once things settle down. I'm still iffy about this path, but I've always wanted to help those who are abused by the system; there are so many people out there that get steamed rolled just because they don't have the money to afford a good lawyer or just have no knowledge of the law. I'd like to change that one day; which leads me to my second choice.
I've always liked helping others and thus I've juggled with the idea of doing volunteer work abroad. I thought about doing the Peace Corps, but I've never had the patience to wait two years for admittance; so much can happen in those two years and with my nomadic thinking who knows where I'd be in two years. So for now, I settle for helping at soup kitchens and organizations like that. The experience alone of going abroad to help those less fortunate has to be spectacular, and who knows, maybe I'll be there; but in the meantime, bringing a smile to someone who has little to nothing in the form of food or a smile does it for me.
Third choice would be just to move to a city or town where I can just have a job and just be. This third option just calls my names sometimes; I get so much pleasure of just trying to live a simple life. Unfortunately in Atlanta, trying to live a simple life is a bit of a task with the constant sense of superficiality that this city exudes sometimes, but hey, nowhere is perfect. Something that I find funny is that no matter where I travel, Atlanta is still a city I miss and it just feels nice to come home to. I've never been to Portland, Seattle or Vancouver, but I hope to explore those this year; I've been told by many people that I would be quite happy in those towns, so I'll see where those travels take me.
I guess after reaching 30 I don't want to live with the idea of passing the years doing nothing. Someone once told me that I'm a person that needs a cause; I didn't believe them, but the more I think about it, I think that they may be right. I just don't want to waste my life away. I could be traveling the world by foot everyday and I'd be happy because I would be growing on a personal level. What's life without growth?
In that sense with growth, I've grown a bit too; probably not enough, but I've grown definitely over the last few months. I've started to realize that I don't need things, but want things. I want a slight makeover, atleast fashion wise. At the moment, I look like a stoner Jesus; I don't plan on cutting my hair, but now since I've got alittle money saved, I've been buying some clothes to fit me and where I'm at in life. Honestly it's been quite liberating even though I think I have a HORRIBLE fashion sense. I'm still decorating the condo that's been a 3 year work in progress, but you know how us guys are slow at that; hopefully I'll finally have my walls that I've had empty for years full of some things. Stuff that I want for the most part are just things that I haven't really allowed myself to enjoy; new clothes, decorating the place, exploring the city and its many different facets more. What I need is a road trip... another open road to just escape on for a few days. What I need is to eventually choose a path in my life. What I need is to continue to grow and smile everyday for which I wake up healthy and breathing.
A while back I thought that I'd need more in life; I mean let's be real, we all need and want more things than I've written, but for brevity, I've just named some things on my list to just draw up an image. But back when, if anyone knew me, they'd think I always needed to be with someone; I used to think that too honestly. Having some time to myself though over almost two years, I've gotten to learn more about myself and realized that I can stand on my own two feet quite well, even though at times I struggle and need to turn to others for a temporary crutch support. I guess being summer, chick flicks run rampant on every channel; I feel as if at times I'm stuck on a 24 hour Lifetime movie track. I guess they call them chick flicks for a reason.
I am a hopeless romantic and dreamer which is a double edged sword at times; yet I have hope that one day, I'll find someone who won't spend millions on me and buy things for me everyday and just build up my ego, but instead will great me with a smile everyday, a hug, a caring question, a shoulder to cry on, a person that will do some of the most simplest things that just mean so much to me and so on.... I'm definitely no saint, but I've come to realize that I don't deserve to be treated as a mortal sinner either. I'm flawed like anyone else, but I deserve a chance to be the one that gets to cry and the one who gets to struggle. I feel as if most of the time I'm too busy trying to fight the image of being a rock and just wanting to be a person, a flawed and cracked person like everyone else. As time has it, I would never have realized this had I not given myself time to be alone and now I have an idea of what I want; I don't need someone by my side at the moment, but it would be nice to have someone by me who's faithful, caring, considerate and all those other swell traits. I would love to have someone by my side that would just leave everything and we could just run off into the horizon and just know that it'll all be alright. I have faith that that will happen one day but until then, I'll continue to try and grow on my own as I've been doing and just try to be a good person.
Wow! No idea how much I've written, but it's been a good minute since I've been sitting here. The sun has officially gone down and I'm still lounging on my couch writing. I told myself I'd be in bed by 9 tonight, but I guess that plan changed. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts and emotions have been going through my head these last few weeks and months from pure anger to utter happiness. On one side I feel as if I take so much for granted and don't realize how beautiful life is, but on another, I feel like I've been burning the wick from both ends. I guess that's why evenings like this, where I'm just with my family (fur balls), listening to music and writing seem to bring me some peace. It may be a bit noisy with the music, but it's just peaceful. It's simple. It's laid back and worry free... it's me.
Writing is my key to sanity and as of late, I've felt the door to that realm pounding and busting at the hinges. Right now I'm doing something I haven't done in so long; just laying on the couch with the fur balls by my side, watching the sunset and listening to some beautiful acoustic music. I miss these moments so much sometimes... To just sit here and just trying to find peace in my world that has recently become so chaotic. Some of it has been my own doing and the other has been the way life has just led me.
The last month or so I've been thinking about what to do with my life. Deep down I'm just a bohemian at heart, but have yet been able to find that city that I can truly anchor myself down to. Although my feelings for Atlanta have gone from hatred to more of a loving relationship, I feel like I need to seek an affair with another lady that can offer me more. A lady that is progressive, more established, yet simpler in her manner of being. A lady that I feel calls my name every morning and seems to wait for me everyday; the one I can come back to and call home. That damsel is out there, and until I find her, I'll continue to travel in search of this elusive love.
In an attempt to get some direction I decided that being a big boy now, I've gotta give myself some kind of path instead of wandering aimlessly. Even though I believe in that saying "all who wander are not lost", I still feel like I have to give myself some kind of options so I can pick a path. First choice would be to pursue law. Ever since I can remember my family has always said to me that I should become a lawyer. I've always struggled with that decision because I've never liked suits and formalities imposed upon me; I'll gladly wear a suit or a nice outfit when I want to, but I never liked it to be obligatory. Immature I know, but now I've taken it into serious consideration. Hopefully I'll be studying for the LSAT starting in a month once things settle down. I'm still iffy about this path, but I've always wanted to help those who are abused by the system; there are so many people out there that get steamed rolled just because they don't have the money to afford a good lawyer or just have no knowledge of the law. I'd like to change that one day; which leads me to my second choice.
I've always liked helping others and thus I've juggled with the idea of doing volunteer work abroad. I thought about doing the Peace Corps, but I've never had the patience to wait two years for admittance; so much can happen in those two years and with my nomadic thinking who knows where I'd be in two years. So for now, I settle for helping at soup kitchens and organizations like that. The experience alone of going abroad to help those less fortunate has to be spectacular, and who knows, maybe I'll be there; but in the meantime, bringing a smile to someone who has little to nothing in the form of food or a smile does it for me.
Third choice would be just to move to a city or town where I can just have a job and just be. This third option just calls my names sometimes; I get so much pleasure of just trying to live a simple life. Unfortunately in Atlanta, trying to live a simple life is a bit of a task with the constant sense of superficiality that this city exudes sometimes, but hey, nowhere is perfect. Something that I find funny is that no matter where I travel, Atlanta is still a city I miss and it just feels nice to come home to. I've never been to Portland, Seattle or Vancouver, but I hope to explore those this year; I've been told by many people that I would be quite happy in those towns, so I'll see where those travels take me.
I guess after reaching 30 I don't want to live with the idea of passing the years doing nothing. Someone once told me that I'm a person that needs a cause; I didn't believe them, but the more I think about it, I think that they may be right. I just don't want to waste my life away. I could be traveling the world by foot everyday and I'd be happy because I would be growing on a personal level. What's life without growth?
In that sense with growth, I've grown a bit too; probably not enough, but I've grown definitely over the last few months. I've started to realize that I don't need things, but want things. I want a slight makeover, atleast fashion wise. At the moment, I look like a stoner Jesus; I don't plan on cutting my hair, but now since I've got alittle money saved, I've been buying some clothes to fit me and where I'm at in life. Honestly it's been quite liberating even though I think I have a HORRIBLE fashion sense. I'm still decorating the condo that's been a 3 year work in progress, but you know how us guys are slow at that; hopefully I'll finally have my walls that I've had empty for years full of some things. Stuff that I want for the most part are just things that I haven't really allowed myself to enjoy; new clothes, decorating the place, exploring the city and its many different facets more. What I need is a road trip... another open road to just escape on for a few days. What I need is to eventually choose a path in my life. What I need is to continue to grow and smile everyday for which I wake up healthy and breathing.
A while back I thought that I'd need more in life; I mean let's be real, we all need and want more things than I've written, but for brevity, I've just named some things on my list to just draw up an image. But back when, if anyone knew me, they'd think I always needed to be with someone; I used to think that too honestly. Having some time to myself though over almost two years, I've gotten to learn more about myself and realized that I can stand on my own two feet quite well, even though at times I struggle and need to turn to others for a temporary crutch support. I guess being summer, chick flicks run rampant on every channel; I feel as if at times I'm stuck on a 24 hour Lifetime movie track. I guess they call them chick flicks for a reason.
I am a hopeless romantic and dreamer which is a double edged sword at times; yet I have hope that one day, I'll find someone who won't spend millions on me and buy things for me everyday and just build up my ego, but instead will great me with a smile everyday, a hug, a caring question, a shoulder to cry on, a person that will do some of the most simplest things that just mean so much to me and so on.... I'm definitely no saint, but I've come to realize that I don't deserve to be treated as a mortal sinner either. I'm flawed like anyone else, but I deserve a chance to be the one that gets to cry and the one who gets to struggle. I feel as if most of the time I'm too busy trying to fight the image of being a rock and just wanting to be a person, a flawed and cracked person like everyone else. As time has it, I would never have realized this had I not given myself time to be alone and now I have an idea of what I want; I don't need someone by my side at the moment, but it would be nice to have someone by me who's faithful, caring, considerate and all those other swell traits. I would love to have someone by my side that would just leave everything and we could just run off into the horizon and just know that it'll all be alright. I have faith that that will happen one day but until then, I'll continue to try and grow on my own as I've been doing and just try to be a good person.
Wow! No idea how much I've written, but it's been a good minute since I've been sitting here. The sun has officially gone down and I'm still lounging on my couch writing. I told myself I'd be in bed by 9 tonight, but I guess that plan changed. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts and emotions have been going through my head these last few weeks and months from pure anger to utter happiness. On one side I feel as if I take so much for granted and don't realize how beautiful life is, but on another, I feel like I've been burning the wick from both ends. I guess that's why evenings like this, where I'm just with my family (fur balls), listening to music and writing seem to bring me some peace. It may be a bit noisy with the music, but it's just peaceful. It's simple. It's laid back and worry free... it's me.
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