So the other day I was thinking about where I was RIGHT now. After some seclusion I took the leap and bought myself a bushel of sharpies (doesn't bushels just sound funny when you say it?) and a forest of giant post-its. I've slowly turned one of my walls into a cubist canvas full of turqoise and a plethora of sharpie colors combined with my wonderful elementary school handwriting.
You may think that things make sense in your head at times, but it's not until we start to write things down that those many pieces of ideas and thoughts begin to take shape. Everyday I look at my squares, as they're my attempt at organizing my thirties crisis and just come up with atleast one new thing to add to each list. I guess it's good to have something like that in your face everyday because it forces you to realize that your raison d’être has yet to be perhaps explained or achieved.
The squares have opened up my mind to a few things, some a bit outlandish and others that just make sense. How many times have we woken up thinking, "what else is out there?" I mean think about it. We grow up, we go through school, we graduate and get our big kid jobs.... What follows after that? For some of us, the married life, the white picket fence and a small pack of kids. It seems like the perfect starter pack to life. For some that's complete happiness, and who could ever argue with that? You're blessed with a job, a spouse that loves you, a roof over your head, food on your plate and hopefully a future generation of children that you can spread and teach your great energy to in hopes that they in the future add to the happiness of this world. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yet what about those of us that perhaps that calling doesn't really work or for whatever reason (cough! political.. cough!), just can't be had at this moment? Life becomes an open road to a whole other world; a world full of paths less trodden.
I've been looking at my rubik's cube mosaic and been trying to make it work in some way. What if I take A from list C and put it with B from list D? Now I'll be the first to say, organization has never been my forte; hell, not even my personality is organized. I've never really been one for organization, because I've always felt that you always end up living in some kind of confined space, limited by your walls of order. Yet, sometimes, more often than I'm sure we all realize, we've gotta bend some. So I've decided to swallow my pride and try this foreign concept of "Point A to B." I won't say it hasn't worked for me; honestly it's given me good structure and a helpful way to lay out all of my thoughts. Don't tell anyone, but I may try to start to be more organized in the future... just an idea. ;-)
I've been talking to some friends as of late trying to make sense of my squares (there are quite a few) and try to decipher the puzzle pieces laid out in front of me. It's been eye opening and just great to think "outside the box" while trying to see the world in another lens. I've been coming up with a few ideas, none of them exactly conventional, but ideas nonetheless. They have all evolved around a basic pyramid of requirements; each brick being a necessary piece of this structure and all demanding much sacrifice from me. No path in the squares is easy by any means thus far, perhaps they'll stay that way or perhaps more conventional ideas will come to me. Yet one has sort of burrowed a little hole in my mind that just caters to my basic needs as a free spirit.
Like most things right now in my mosaic, it's just a simple idea; a simple seed that I'm trying to figure out whether to water or not. I'm a person of adventure; I don't want to be 40 and realize that I could've gone down roads of life that although a bit dustier and gravel filled than most existential highways, could lead to memories, encounters and adventures that could change my life. That's why I love road trips and hate flying! Once you get on a plane, you're on an arbitrary path to your destination; no pit stops or meals in a random diner. No sir!! You will get to your destination when the aviation gods deem it right; but on the road, freedom and adventure abound and you don't have to worry about annoying passengers and hitting your head against baggage compartments or the rolling death traps known as the flight attendant's carts.
I have one adventure in mind right now, that I'm trying to work out in my head and again organize (damn it! There's that word again!) some kind of way to solidify it. But if this idea sticks, I'm going to need the help of all of my friends to make it work. Not saying that it's an absolute thing at the moment, but it's gaining speed and just seems to click on many levels, but takes a lot of logistical planning... so yea, I've gotta really touch up on my organizational skills and pronto! But as the squares start to be created and moved about, I've got a feeling that a painting will start to be created. Who knows? Maybe it'll turn out to be the idea I think it may turn into, or perhaps it'll be something different; with the canvas of life, there's no telling how the palette of existence will eventually express itself.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Lego Letters
Letters are like legos, and words are all those Legos put together to form a battleship or a house or may a airplane. If we were to put all of our verbal legos together, what would come of it? If you could build anything you wanted with your own words, what would you like to build?
Words are like the bricks to a house that we just never finish building; an eternal aspiration to what we would love our home and life to be. If I could build something out of my own ramblings, it would be a modest home, definitely full of many windows to have natural sunlight; to have the wind greet me with her breeze in any room would be splendid. Perhaps on a hillside or in a Mediterranean setting with the rumbling of the ocean in the background would be a definite plus. I'd love to build something as solid as a house, a place where I could eventually call a home, but for right now, my words need to be shifted to a different construction site.
Most of my friends have told me I have knack for writing and back when, I used to love to write by far more than I have been these last few years. So why not turn those verbal, hand-made bricks to something a bit more necessary? Perhaps into a brick road. Ever since my last post, I've been thinking so much about possible options in life and stupid doubts I've had in myself. I've been waking up in the middle of the night lately just with so many ideas in my head and then the ever stupid question, "why have I waited this long?"
If there's one huge fear in my inner most being, it's to settle. To settle on a person that's not right for me. To settle on a job more well suited for someone else or one that's time has past for me. To settle on a life that's become so monotonous that it's scary. I don't want to look back at my life at 40 and think, "geez, I've done nothing." Even worse, to look at life when I'm 50 thinking, "well damn, where did the time go?" I know that this sounds like a pessimist's dream come true, but I promise you I'm not thinking like that. Instead, I've started to put a positive spin on things.
Why waste all of my time in this hamster wheel without trying to MacGyver my way out of it? One of my most powerful weapons in my personal arsenal of things I've come to learn are my dreams and words, so why not put them to use? I was recently asked about explaining some kind of adventure I've had traveling on one of my zany adventures, and it got me thinking... isn't our life just one giant traveling and zany adventure? I mean, do we ever really know our destination? Or do we THINK we do? I guess that can be the stressful part of life but perhaps it's also the most exciting part of it.
Sure, it can be disheartening to learn that perhaps you've come to realize that you're going in the wrong direction in life, but it's never too late to change that. There have been times that I've wanted to sell most of my permanent (translated: condo) material possessions and move to a distant city or country and start life off like it was meant to be enjoyed: with simplicity. My nomadic and realist sides have been at battle lately, and it's been an interesting time; some times depressing, and others exciting. Right now I think my nomadic spirit is starting to get some good jabs in, but realism is throwing up some good blocks. Place your bets everyone!
Don't get me wrong, I know that we have to have some kind of destination in our lives, but the word "destination" is just as fluid as the ocean water. Right now, it seems as if my destination is unknown, but I've discovered a few more paths laid out to me; perhaps they've been there this whole time, and it's been the weeds of my self doubt that have covered them.
If self doubt has been unwanted foliage, then my words are that mower that I'm using to cut them down and keep them at bay while I lay down new bricks to some kind of exit strategy. Although masonry is always a good use for language, what I may do is to take my words and manner of writing and use them to mold a possible left field solution out of this interesting pickle I find myself in.
My floorboard is starting to be cleared up and my blocks being organized by shape and color, and now it's time to put these Legos to use... brick by brick, with thought out intention.
Words are like the bricks to a house that we just never finish building; an eternal aspiration to what we would love our home and life to be. If I could build something out of my own ramblings, it would be a modest home, definitely full of many windows to have natural sunlight; to have the wind greet me with her breeze in any room would be splendid. Perhaps on a hillside or in a Mediterranean setting with the rumbling of the ocean in the background would be a definite plus. I'd love to build something as solid as a house, a place where I could eventually call a home, but for right now, my words need to be shifted to a different construction site.
Most of my friends have told me I have knack for writing and back when, I used to love to write by far more than I have been these last few years. So why not turn those verbal, hand-made bricks to something a bit more necessary? Perhaps into a brick road. Ever since my last post, I've been thinking so much about possible options in life and stupid doubts I've had in myself. I've been waking up in the middle of the night lately just with so many ideas in my head and then the ever stupid question, "why have I waited this long?"
If there's one huge fear in my inner most being, it's to settle. To settle on a person that's not right for me. To settle on a job more well suited for someone else or one that's time has past for me. To settle on a life that's become so monotonous that it's scary. I don't want to look back at my life at 40 and think, "geez, I've done nothing." Even worse, to look at life when I'm 50 thinking, "well damn, where did the time go?" I know that this sounds like a pessimist's dream come true, but I promise you I'm not thinking like that. Instead, I've started to put a positive spin on things.
Why waste all of my time in this hamster wheel without trying to MacGyver my way out of it? One of my most powerful weapons in my personal arsenal of things I've come to learn are my dreams and words, so why not put them to use? I was recently asked about explaining some kind of adventure I've had traveling on one of my zany adventures, and it got me thinking... isn't our life just one giant traveling and zany adventure? I mean, do we ever really know our destination? Or do we THINK we do? I guess that can be the stressful part of life but perhaps it's also the most exciting part of it.
Sure, it can be disheartening to learn that perhaps you've come to realize that you're going in the wrong direction in life, but it's never too late to change that. There have been times that I've wanted to sell most of my permanent (translated: condo) material possessions and move to a distant city or country and start life off like it was meant to be enjoyed: with simplicity. My nomadic and realist sides have been at battle lately, and it's been an interesting time; some times depressing, and others exciting. Right now I think my nomadic spirit is starting to get some good jabs in, but realism is throwing up some good blocks. Place your bets everyone!
Don't get me wrong, I know that we have to have some kind of destination in our lives, but the word "destination" is just as fluid as the ocean water. Right now, it seems as if my destination is unknown, but I've discovered a few more paths laid out to me; perhaps they've been there this whole time, and it's been the weeds of my self doubt that have covered them.
If self doubt has been unwanted foliage, then my words are that mower that I'm using to cut them down and keep them at bay while I lay down new bricks to some kind of exit strategy. Although masonry is always a good use for language, what I may do is to take my words and manner of writing and use them to mold a possible left field solution out of this interesting pickle I find myself in.
My floorboard is starting to be cleared up and my blocks being organized by shape and color, and now it's time to put these Legos to use... brick by brick, with thought out intention.
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