Ok I'll admit it... it's been a while since I've been on here.; so much for trying to keep up with things right? Well like I was told by someone many moons ago, "there are many reasons, but no excuse."
Writing is my key to sanity and as of late, I've felt the door to that realm pounding and busting at the hinges. Right now I'm doing something I haven't done in so long; just laying on the couch with the fur balls by my side, watching the sunset and listening to some beautiful acoustic music. I miss these moments so much sometimes... To just sit here and just trying to find peace in my world that has recently become so chaotic. Some of it has been my own doing and the other has been the way life has just led me.
The last month or so I've been thinking about what to do with my life. Deep down I'm just a bohemian at heart, but have yet been able to find that city that I can truly anchor myself down to. Although my feelings for Atlanta have gone from hatred to more of a loving relationship, I feel like I need to seek an affair with another lady that can offer me more. A lady that is progressive, more established, yet simpler in her manner of being. A lady that I feel calls my name every morning and seems to wait for me everyday; the one I can come back to and call home. That damsel is out there, and until I find her, I'll continue to travel in search of this elusive love.
In an attempt to get some direction I decided that being a big boy now, I've gotta give myself some kind of path instead of wandering aimlessly. Even though I believe in that saying "all who wander are not lost", I still feel like I have to give myself some kind of options so I can pick a path. First choice would be to pursue law. Ever since I can remember my family has always said to me that I should become a lawyer. I've always struggled with that decision because I've never liked suits and formalities imposed upon me; I'll gladly wear a suit or a nice outfit when I want to, but I never liked it to be obligatory. Immature I know, but now I've taken it into serious consideration. Hopefully I'll be studying for the LSAT starting in a month once things settle down. I'm still iffy about this path, but I've always wanted to help those who are abused by the system; there are so many people out there that get steamed rolled just because they don't have the money to afford a good lawyer or just have no knowledge of the law. I'd like to change that one day; which leads me to my second choice.
I've always liked helping others and thus I've juggled with the idea of doing volunteer work abroad. I thought about doing the Peace Corps, but I've never had the patience to wait two years for admittance; so much can happen in those two years and with my nomadic thinking who knows where I'd be in two years. So for now, I settle for helping at soup kitchens and organizations like that. The experience alone of going abroad to help those less fortunate has to be spectacular, and who knows, maybe I'll be there; but in the meantime, bringing a smile to someone who has little to nothing in the form of food or a smile does it for me.
Third choice would be just to move to a city or town where I can just have a job and just be. This third option just calls my names sometimes; I get so much pleasure of just trying to live a simple life. Unfortunately in Atlanta, trying to live a simple life is a bit of a task with the constant sense of superficiality that this city exudes sometimes, but hey, nowhere is perfect. Something that I find funny is that no matter where I travel, Atlanta is still a city I miss and it just feels nice to come home to. I've never been to Portland, Seattle or Vancouver, but I hope to explore those this year; I've been told by many people that I would be quite happy in those towns, so I'll see where those travels take me.
I guess after reaching 30 I don't want to live with the idea of passing the years doing nothing. Someone once told me that I'm a person that needs a cause; I didn't believe them, but the more I think about it, I think that they may be right. I just don't want to waste my life away. I could be traveling the world by foot everyday and I'd be happy because I would be growing on a personal level. What's life without growth?
In that sense with growth, I've grown a bit too; probably not enough, but I've grown definitely over the last few months. I've started to realize that I don't need things, but want things. I want a slight makeover, atleast fashion wise. At the moment, I look like a stoner Jesus; I don't plan on cutting my hair, but now since I've got alittle money saved, I've been buying some clothes to fit me and where I'm at in life. Honestly it's been quite liberating even though I think I have a HORRIBLE fashion sense. I'm still decorating the condo that's been a 3 year work in progress, but you know how us guys are slow at that; hopefully I'll finally have my walls that I've had empty for years full of some things. Stuff that I want for the most part are just things that I haven't really allowed myself to enjoy; new clothes, decorating the place, exploring the city and its many different facets more. What I need is a road trip... another open road to just escape on for a few days. What I need is to eventually choose a path in my life. What I need is to continue to grow and smile everyday for which I wake up healthy and breathing.
A while back I thought that I'd need more in life; I mean let's be real, we all need and want more things than I've written, but for brevity, I've just named some things on my list to just draw up an image. But back when, if anyone knew me, they'd think I always needed to be with someone; I used to think that too honestly. Having some time to myself though over almost two years, I've gotten to learn more about myself and realized that I can stand on my own two feet quite well, even though at times I struggle and need to turn to others for a temporary crutch support. I guess being summer, chick flicks run rampant on every channel; I feel as if at times I'm stuck on a 24 hour Lifetime movie track. I guess they call them chick flicks for a reason.
I am a hopeless romantic and dreamer which is a double edged sword at times; yet I have hope that one day, I'll find someone who won't spend millions on me and buy things for me everyday and just build up my ego, but instead will great me with a smile everyday, a hug, a caring question, a shoulder to cry on, a person that will do some of the most simplest things that just mean so much to me and so on.... I'm definitely no saint, but I've come to realize that I don't deserve to be treated as a mortal sinner either. I'm flawed like anyone else, but I deserve a chance to be the one that gets to cry and the one who gets to struggle. I feel as if most of the time I'm too busy trying to fight the image of being a rock and just wanting to be a person, a flawed and cracked person like everyone else. As time has it, I would never have realized this had I not given myself time to be alone and now I have an idea of what I want; I don't need someone by my side at the moment, but it would be nice to have someone by me who's faithful, caring, considerate and all those other swell traits. I would love to have someone by my side that would just leave everything and we could just run off into the horizon and just know that it'll all be alright. I have faith that that will happen one day but until then, I'll continue to try and grow on my own as I've been doing and just try to be a good person.
Wow! No idea how much I've written, but it's been a good minute since I've been sitting here. The sun has officially gone down and I'm still lounging on my couch writing. I told myself I'd be in bed by 9 tonight, but I guess that plan changed. I don't know... just a lot of thoughts and emotions have been going through my head these last few weeks and months from pure anger to utter happiness. On one side I feel as if I take so much for granted and don't realize how beautiful life is, but on another, I feel like I've been burning the wick from both ends. I guess that's why evenings like this, where I'm just with my family (fur balls), listening to music and writing seem to bring me some peace. It may be a bit noisy with the music, but it's just peaceful. It's simple. It's laid back and worry free... it's me.
No comments:
Post a Comment