I don't know if it's been due to the transitioning of seasons from summer to fall, or the fact that I've had alot of down time this summer or what, but I can't seem to get one topic out of my head: God.
Cue the thunder and lightning! Not G-D, but G-O-D. You know that spirit, force, entity or whatever you'd like to call it that in some form or shape, we all mostly believe in? Yea... that God. I've been noticing alot of my friends have been praying lately, or perhaps for a long time about whatever is bothering them or stuff they want to give thanks to. I've tried to pick up meditation of some sort, (Buddhist prayers, Sufi meditation beads, nature) but nothing seems to be working yet. I do find a lot of peace and tranquility in nature; so whenever I feel burdened or bogged down, I try to go wherever I can that I'm just simply surrounded by Mother Nature and her divine beauty.
I used to pray. I used to say my rosary like a good Catholic boy. I used to go to church and look for some kind of sign. I used to do alot of things, until I suddenly stopped.
When my dad passed away almost five and a half years ago, I was angry. I shut down. I couldn't handle it all and watching him disintegrate in a matter of two years was more than I could bare. I was the optimist from the beginning, downplaying any notion of the severity of it all; perhaps I was just being naive... But hey, I was young and I thought, unstoppable. After that night, I hated everyone. My family, myself, God... especially God. How could He have taken away someone who he himself had given his life to His name? Hatred, pain, confusion... these were just some of the emotions I felt during those first two years. Never did I cry, never did I shed a tear after that night.
Two years after his passing I finally blew up; I remember that night clearly for the most part. I was at a bar with someone who I thought cared about me, getting drunk again, because that's how I dealt with the pain; this person eventually forced me to confront my past and everything I had been going through with my dad those last few years.... And I lost it. I. Lost. It. I ended up face down in the middle of a parking lot dirt and tears in my face just screaming. And I didn't stop. Other friends came to my rescue from a neighboring bar and this so called friend left me there in tears that he had caused.
I remember screaming about how I was such a bad son, how I could've done more. The pain, the guilt, the anger just came flowing out of me. Amidst that group of nurturing friends, a couple took me to their place and let me sleep in their guest room; all the while I was blabbering to myself and screamed myself to sleep or exhaustion, I don't know which.
I don't know why I decided to share this memory. Those years were not the prettiest in my life and it took a few more after that night to finally put myself straight again; this is probably one of my most intimate memories of recent years that has affected me deeply. Since then, I've stopped praying. I've stopped going to church or even really acknowledging the presence of a god.
Yet lately, I find myself now going back to the idea of a God. I've been putting myself back on track, but still deep down I feel that something is missing in me. Something that perhaps no job, paycheck, or car can ever replace... some kind of faith in life. I've noticed a bunch of friends saying that they've been giving thanks and praise to God and that God's good and all these things; yet for the last almost 8 years I've been asking myself the question, "is He?" Is He good? Is He watching over us? Is He the one we turn to for help? He sure as hell didn't seem to offer us any help when my dad suffered those two long years. Where was he for my dad? Or my mom? Or my whole family for that matter?
I don't know what to make of it all. Is there really a God? I don't know the answer. I'd like to believe that there is. For the first time in five years, I'm trying to figure out how to reach out to Him again. For years I dealt with hating Him so much; now it's time that I need to humble myself and reach out for direction.
I'm a strong believer in that to raise ourselves, we first must break ourselves. I broke that night and turned my back on so many things in my life; as the years have gone by, mostly everything has been restored except my belief in faith. Yet it's that lack of faith in my life that I feel is creating an emptiness that I just can't seem to fill; an emptiness I realize, that perhaps now is the right time to vanquish. I just don't know how.
I guess I start with a simple "Dear God..."
