Well it's been a minute since I've been able to sit down and write
again. Life's been keeping me busy with work, side projects and
thinking. It may not come as a secret to a few of you, but to those who
don't know.... I'm a total closeted chick flickoholic. I have this
weird tendency to relate my life to a bunch of chick flicks; don't ask
me why, I guess life is better with a story line at times. For every
major area in my life, I can pretty much assign myself one or two chick
flicks to relate it with. Relationships? Breakfast at Tiffany's and
Pretty Woman. Work? You've Got Mail. Life? Eat, Pray, Love and
Almost Famous. The list goes on. I'm sure it's quite the unhealthy way
of looking at life through the eyes of movies, but perhaps that's just
my inner idealist coming out.
Idealism. It can be good
and bad depending on how you look at it. Being an idealist is probably
one of my best qualities, but it also is one of my biggest weaknesses.
For example, I've always wanted that relationship where I'm swept off
of my feet and truly loved through thick and thin for who I am; where I
come home and my partner wants to know everything about my day, where we
can laugh and talk the night away while sipping wine or hot chocolate
and just enjoy each others company. Yet the downside of this kind of
thinking is that we don't consider how the imperfections that we carry
as humans can end up bursting our merry bubble of glee: cheating, not
accepting your partner who they were/are, the list can go on. I try to
only wish and see the good in it all, even when reality may be trying
to make me question my naivete; I guess that when something bad does
come my way from my partner, it hurts me that much more. I allow myself
to live in this fantasy world where I try so hard to see something that
may not exist, because I've craved it for so long. I've never claimed
to be perfect in relationships, but I know that if I care about someone,
there are things I just wouldn't do to cause them pain; most of the
time, I've let myself think that I've found the one and my Lifetime
movie love story has commenced: that's blown up in my face more times
than I would like to remember. Yet I still see myself applying this
sense of idealism in every facet of my life, from work, to ambitions, to
signs... everything.
I want to keep believing in the
ideals of life, but I've come to learn that even ideals need help.
These last few years I built my life on what I thought was my "perfect"
life. A partner, pets, home, a job that I enjoyed... all I needed was a
white picket fence and a newspaper thrown at my doorstep every
morning. Fast forward to present time and my hunt for what I thought
was happiness is completely different. I'm single, still have my pets,
still have my home, and the white picket fence you may ask? Well I've
got that in storage for when I need to bring it out.
My
life at the moment isn't the utopian paradise I fantasized about in my
head now, but just like every chick flick, the main character always
goes through a time of self discovery and change before happiness
reappears. So these last few weeks I've been seeking just that:
change. My condo, something that for so long I looked upon as an anchor
to my free spirit, will undergo a change. It's been the same for the
last almost 3 years I've had it; I need to change it to start anew.
I've got bring it up to speed with where my life is now and where I want
it to go in the future. There are memories that are still strong in
these four walls, others that have to go and more to be made; I just
have to finally take those steps that are necessary for positive change
in my life. I'm starting to get back involved in music and helping
fellow musicians out, which I'm truly enjoying, because through that,
more doors to opportunities and friendships are presenting themselves to
me. I just don't know how to explain it, but my life needs change; for
once in a long time, I think I'm at that point where I can finally say
I'm ready for it.
It's been a hard road, with a lot
of pit falls and scars, but perhaps it's been through these hard times
that my ideal world has started to slowly reveal itself to me. Maybe
I've been trying so hard to see the world through these rose colored
glasses of perfection that I truly have lost the ability to see the
beauty of the imperfect. Picasso once said that every act of creation
is first an act of destruction. That's what I've slowly been doing
lately; I have had to destroy pieces of me in hopes of becoming
something better. It's going to always be a work in progress, but it's a
step forward. I still stick to my ideals and my fantastic world, but
I've started to allow flaws and imperfections into it more and more.
It's through these flaws that beauty is shown to us and it's these flaws
that make us human. One of my flaws may be that I'm an idealist, but
this imperfect idealist is starting to realize that perhaps its reality,
with its flaws and all, that is already leading us all to our own ideal
worlds.
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