I don't know if it's because of this horribly long winter, but the last few months have been eye opening and yet challenging all at once. The reality of it has been hitting me slowly as of late, but yesterday a close friend told me something that sent shockwaves through my body: my free spirit is starting to wain. I didn't tell her how much those words truly affected me, but I greatly appreciated it. It takes a close and true friend to be so lovingly honest as to say something that in the end will make us a better person. I guess it all boils down to one thing: self doubt.
Self doubt... such a formidable enemy. What's worse, is that it's an internal enemy. No guns. No battle lines. No rules of engagement. These last six months or so I've started to make changes for the better in my life; reaching out to more people in tuned with my views of things, working on music, martial arts, volunteer work. Needless to say, I've started to explore many facets in my life I had never really given myself the opportunity to do. Yet there's always been this lingering doubt in the back of my mind... this little voice that just whispers in my ear, "you're just not there yet." It drives me nuts at times. It's as if I've got this nagging little broken record going on repeat in my ear and some times I just can't seem to stop it from playing.
I know I'm better than this... aren't we all? I guess it's just recently I've done so much re-evaluating in my life that it's become a bit lonely. I know that this a transition for the better, that I'm metamorphosing into something better than myself; or atleast I hope I am. It's times like these where we seem to battle ourselves the most. The crux of it all is change and stagnation. In so many aspects of myself I feel like I've changed for the better, but there's still that feeling that I find myself in a hamster wheel, sprinting down some path only to find out it's been the same circle I've been running in for years.
I stepped into my thirties determined to change things in my life. Leave the old behind, the pain, the the mistakes and start to create new goals to achieve a better life in this new decade. Start to surround myself with people who will help me grow as a person, start to do things that help society and not harm my body. To be honest, I'm proud of myself for a lot of things I've done, but as of lately, I still struggle with some issues. I no longer walk into the room with this air of self confidence; I've been noticing that the last few weeks and I don't know why. At times I think it's because I don't belong in it anymore or that it's just not for me, but if that were the case, wouldn't I be even more confident knowing that I'm above that? Same thing can be said about my music or martial arts or anything. I just tend to be doubting myself. Whatever happened to the guy that could play his saxophone and not care of the reaction of others? Or walk into a room and not care what people thought of him? Or could make plenty of mistakes and not care who noticed?
These things have been weighing on me and I've been trying to figure out why. I know I'm not a bad person, granted I've made plenty of mistakes in my life; but I'm no devil nor a saint. I just have to see that I'm better than this. Something I've started to do as of late and have faltered some is to make goals. I've never been one to be so organized, so the idea of having some kind of track laid out for me is a foreign concept; but I've attempted to make goals in my life, and I've set some short ones in motion. Day to day I guess.
What it all boils down to is that I just don't want to settle. That to me is what self doubt leads to: settling. I don't want to let the years pass me by and spend my life chasing this unknown dream while running in some hamster wheel. I know we all have to work.... if only we didn't, right? I know we all have bills, obligations, commitments. But when did all of these things turn into some kind of internal slavery? We don't have to settle for a job that doesn't make us fulfilled. We don't have to have obligations that we don't want or commitments we don't want to commit to. We ARE obligated however, to be honest to ourselves, and we owe it to ourselves and life in general to do just that.
I've started to make new friends, joined new activities and have tried to find those in my life that'll help and not hinder me. But the change that I need to do is internal; I guess that's what's so lonely at times during these moments in life: you have to have a come to Jesus moment and just think about all the things and people you have in your life and ask yourself: is this really what I need or want? Change can be difficult and downright scary. What's worse is that atleast for me, I'm having problems finding which way to continue walking. After my friend told me about my struggling free spirit, I realized that I don't want to continue walking in circles. I've made good changes in my life, but perhaps I need to continue to evolve and keep thinking to myself, "you are worth it." No matter the endeavors I pursue or the choices I make, I've got to continue to grow for the better.
Apparently, it's not everything else in my life that's slowing down this process of growth, but only myself. Perhaps to grow, I've got to let go of some things and reach for new ones; I guess the letting go is the scary part.. be it old friends, jobs, etc... That can be very scary... but I feel that I've taken steps in a positive direction the last few months and deserve to continue doing that.
I owe it to my free spirit to nurture her once again. She needs water and I need sunlight. Together we can grow and give fruit to this world and I can begin to grow once again, the branches that have been floundering in my tree of life. To those people new and old, who have and continue to affect me in a positive way, I say thank you. My branches thank you. Most importantly my roots thank you; for it's my roots that need the most nourishment right now. It's they that contain the essence of my being and it's they that will begin to turn this weeping willow into a strong majestic oak once again.
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