God I'm simply horrible at keeping a blog; it's official, I just can't seem to write in one consistently. I guess my biggest obstacle is the fact that I just like to write about what's going on in my life, usually a more serious side to it and I'm sure that's a topic that can just get outrageously boring; sometimes though, writing can be the best medication we have at our disposal.
Talking about medication, I've lost count of the weeks I've been in a sling. I think it's been about 7 or 8? It's been a humbling experience to say the least. As a kid I did countless stupid things that put my body through the meat grinder, but never broke a bone; so in true fashion, having a busted up clavicle as my first broken bone is a way to go down in a flame of glory.
It hasn't really been the broken bone that has been the most frustrating part; trust me, it definitely has been a challenge having to adapt to this style for a minute, but more so the emotional side of it. The pain that has come with the breakage and surgery definitely hurts, and there have been days that it has hurt more than others, but I guess it's been the loneliness that's been getting to me and the re-working of my future.
I am a man of signs and looking over my past entries I wrote how I wanted to join the Peace Corps in this next year or so; but because of this break and because I don't want to foster out Panda, it's been postponed (not to say other things aren't in the works). It's been a hard pill to swallow, but again, just because this door has been closed temporarily doesn't mean a window isn't in sight. The loneliness I've felt has been something else. It hasn't been because I've had no friends to visit and help me, on the contrary, I've been and continue to be grateful for my friends who call to check on me and stop by and visit or get me out of the house; I guess loneliness wouldn't be the right word, perhaps disillusionment.
I've been disillusioned by some of those I hold the closest to me; that my friends, hurts. You spend so much time and effort establishing these close connections to people only to not have them near you when you need it the most. It's been a hard and painful pill to swallow indeed. I don't mind being railroaded by people I could honestly care less about, but to be done that to you by those nearest and dearest is something that truly opens your eyes. By having this happen to me, I've felt used... very used.
Yet through this enlightening experience a wonderful thing has happened; I've started to reach out to others and in return other friends have come to my aid. For those who have been there, my gratitude is eternal. I'm not the best at reaching out to people or opening up about my issues or problems, (hence the writing) so to have these kind friends helping me has been such a blessing. Now it is MY responsibility to help maintain each and everyone of these friendships; I ask all these people for forgiveness if I misstep a couple of times, I'm horrible at coming out of my shell. Yet I plan on trying my hardest to help foster these friendships that have grown from this whole incident. I just want everyone to know that I'm grateful to all those who have been there and continue to be there through all of this, be it visits, a simple text message or phone call or anything. I understand that we all lead busy lives and some busier than others, so none of your actions have gone unnoticed. My gratitude is to you.
Bones repair themselves with time; what really takes effort is to repair the mind and spirit. When I initially broke my shoulder, two things went through my head: PAIN and shame. I'm not going to lie to you folks, the pain that surged through my body was intense... thank God for shock and a whole slew of a half dozen or so pain killers right? But I also felt a bit ashamed of myself. Not so much for the bone breaking but because I didn't want to be a disappointment to my martial arts class. Sure we all get injured doing certain activities and we're bound to get hurt, but we get up and keep on moving; I just didn't want to be THAT guy who ended up on the bench for God knows how long. This injury I took with a grain of salt in the beginning; leave it to me to try and take this matter lightly. After a few days, reality set in a bit. I'd be off the mat for a while, and my activities/lifestyle and future choices would be on the back burner for a few weeks. Well to be honest, I thought it would be a few weeks; imagine my reaction when I found out it was to be about 6 months!!!
I call it shame, but I guess it's more a sense of disappointment within myself that I've been struggling with. This whole incident has made me question so many things within me: whether I'm cut out for martial arts. Do I have the correct amount of discipline to apply myself to things in life? What am I going to do with my immediate future? How will I be treated at work or with other friends? Just a few of those to mention. But after alot of thinking, (I've had way too much time for that) this incident does not make me a broken person. My spirit may be doubting in some aspects, but deep down, I am a believer in optimism.
All these questions I'm sure are thoughts that go through the mind of a person recovering from some kind of trauma, but at the same time, my eyes try to see the good in it all. When I recover fully, I hope to be back on the mat with a new view on life; the support and love that has come from my teacher, fellow jujitsu students/friends has shown me that I shouldn't be disappointed in myself. I will return with a more open heart and mind to them... it'll be tough to re-condition my body and pretty much start fresh, but with time, practice, patience and support from them, I'll be back on the mat in no time. It'll be a struggle for me, but I'm hoping that it will be something I overcome sooner than later.
My immediate future has definitely grounded to a halt unfortunately. Right now, like some of my friends continue to remind me, I need to focus on recovering. I'll admit, I'm no spring chicken anymore, but I am quite stubborn and still in pretty good health injury aside; to constantly realize that you're physically limited wears on you, but I just have to power through and set my pride aside. To look at this positively though, life has offered me some insight. For one, I've had to slow down ALOT! Yet by slowing down, I've had the opportunity to not only rest, but also explore life and this city in a way that I've never given myself the chance to do. Sure we can drive to get our haircut somewhere a distance away; but what would happen if one walks said distance? Within such a short proximity by car, so many adventures can be found on foot. I've noticed the way we as a society treat those who are disabled, and quite honestly, the treatment I've been given by those on the street has been less than pleasing at times. I now understand to a small degree what those who are permanently disabled in some fashion have to deal with on a daily basis. My heart and positive energy go out to you all!
I love the quote, "with great power comes greater responsibility"; for myself though, I'd say "with great stubbornness comes greater humility" works best. I'm not the best with dealing with injuries; I tend to want to get up and go just as soon as I've fallen, but I know with this one it'll take alot of time. Everyday that I wake up since my injury I've had to remind myself of that; yet as I've come to realize, not all is bad. Things haven't gone my way on few levels in these last two months, colors have been shown good and bad, limitations have had to be admitted and pain has been doled out on a daily basis like teriyaki chicken samples at the mall food court; BUT new friendships have begun to blossom along with strengthening old ones, a new point of view on life is slowly emerging and creativity out of necessity has come about among other things. The hardest physical part will slowly start to pass (can't wait for the 1 lb. physical therapy exercises), the mental and emotional challenge is what is following. Pain will start to dissipate as the weeks go on, my arm and body will get stronger with every passing day and life will surely get back to normal.
In the end, all I can be is grateful for everything that has come about since my injury; the bad things have only opened up my eyes to everything that surrounds me that is good and welcoming. It has all been a struggle and I don't doubt that it will continue to be until I'm back to my normal self, I just have to remember to breathe and take things day by day; not the best at it but I'm trying.
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