I was debating whether or not to write a new post or attach this one to the end of my second to last one; the latter though just made it seem as if my last entry would turn into an internet novel, so shortened it was. So this past week has been interesting; it felt like I had swallowed one of helluva a bittersweet pill. Like I said in my last post, sometimes it's those ghosts from the past that just keep refusing to let go of you; either that, or some really delayed karmic debt that I owe. I sometimes wonder if my reactions to events are a bit exaggerated, or am I just too old fashioned? Although I may seem like I'm a hard ass to many people that have met me, I actually am a teddy bear. My hard assed-ness definitely comes from years of making believe that I was an island. After many moons of living that lifestyle I realized that perhaps instead of ourselves thinking we're islands, perhaps we should views our individual lives on this earth as being a peninsula; we may try to separate ourselves from things as a protective measure, but still have a bit of us connected to the general landmass which is called Life.
Over the last few years I've slowly evolved from said island to more of an Iberian Peninsula lifestyle; letting in folks when and where it's necessary and wanted. I let people in with the hopes of sharing mutual land bridges to our respective islands; but ironically now, I know how people apply those famous words of "burning bridges". But here's a secret, bridges with me are seldom, if not rarely burned; perhaps that's a curse or a blessing. Why live a life worrying about all the bridges that you or others have burned in your life? Instead of doing that, we need to look at those same bridges and see if they're worth some kind of repair and fix them, or acknowledge them for what they are: a failed construction project that needs to be left behind. It's this path that is always difficult for me.
A few years back I'd look at all the burned bridges in my life and scream to the heavens the wails of "why me??", while downing God knows what kind of alcoholic concoction I had at hand. Yet as life has passed by, I've started to try and look at these bridges and learn from them. I haven't just looked at the bridges that have failed me, but also the ones that have succeeded and I just compare. The ones that have succeeded I take a careful look at because in the end, all bridges have cracked some, but it's been with repairs and improvements that they've become stronger. The ones that have failed I look and I can definitely admit, I did enough acts of arson on my own bridges to equal burning down the Amazon; yet as of late, it seems that more people have done the burning this time around than myself.
About two weeks ago, another drawbridge in my life cracked and splintered and I reacted the best I could: karaoke and some heavy handed drinks. Unfortunately, some bridges cause more of a shock wave when they break than others, and this one was certainly no different.
I love speaking in allegory some times, and this time is no different, but to understand it all, I guess I've gotta ditch the symbolism. I felt that I was hurt by someone; the cause was unexpected but regardless, music is a wonderful coping mechanism. I remembered my typical karaoke night being an odd emotional haze mixed with alcohol and my trusty horn. I remember that night playing while being on the verge of tears and just anti-social lunacy. Thank god for friends that make you laugh right? Anyways, as the days went on, the aftershocks still bugged me and then I was slammed with another statement that shook me to my core. If a bridge is my effort to trust and bring people into my life, my character and integrity would be the pillars of said bridge; and they were definitely rocked that night. C'est la vie I guess.
I've never been a great architect or mason, so I just pretty much patch up all the holes in my bridges and let time decide if they should be fixed or not. I usually repair most of my bridges nowadays, because what's the point of living a life full of broken bridges? But how stable and well re-constructed they are is always something that time reveals; bridges weather all kinds of storms and events, sometimes they survive, and at others they fall. I guess it all depends on the quality of craftsmanship and the time and effort that was put into building them in the first place.
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